Garage Logic | Rimshots

01 Aug 1997 Bird drops eel, blacks out 500 homes

TOKYO - A bird fished a choice eel out of Tokyo Bay, dropped it on a power line and caused a freak power outage in 500 homes in Yokosuka, south of Tokyo, power company officials said Friday.
...Now that's an electric eel.

01 Aug 1997

A man in Cairo, Egypt returned from the dead this week. After twelve hours in a morgue refrigerator, Abdel-Sattar Abdel-Salam Badawi woke up inside his coffin and began yelling for help. This was apparently too much for one of the paramedics working in the morgue, who dropped dead from the shock.
...You gotta love socialized medicine

01 Aug 1997 Relatives say Brooklyn bomb suspects are not militants

NEW YORK (CNN) -- One of the men accused of conspiring to set off bombs in the New York City subway may have fallen in with "the wrong people" when he came to the United States but was not involved in terrorism, an uncle said Friday.
...If only we had Islamic Midnight Basketball.

01 Aug 1997

In the Netherlands, an airline pilot has been sentenced to four months in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones" theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane.
...He landed just as he started his tribute to "Gilligan's Island" and the "Brady Bunch". It seems that the Netherlands just started to get Nick at Night and TV Land.


July 28, 1997 Clinton up to his neck in hot water-literally

WASHINGTON - President Clinton is up to his neck in hot water and enjoying every minute of it, now that a new hot tub has been donated to the White House. Asked why Clinton opted for a seven-seater when there are only three members of his immediate family?
...Hillary has a lot of trips scheduled and I might have a meeting with six "supporters.", if you know what I mean.

Elderly man takes gun lesson, commits suicide

SAN ANTONIO, Texas - A 78-year-old man killed himself at a shooting range after renting a gun and taking a lesson in how to use it, officials said on Friday. The death, which took place on Thursday, was ruled a suicide by the Bexar County medical examiner. The man shot himself in the head as soon as his instructor left him alone.
...Dr. Jack Kevorkian is flying to Texas to open "Dr. Jack's Wild West Weekender" a gun store with no seven day waiting period. Cash only!

The White House Toll-Gate

In Sunday's Los Angeles Times Chung said he sought VIP treatment from the White House in exchange for the donation on March 9, 1995. “I see the White House is like a subway, you have to put in coins to open the gates,” Chung told the newspaper. He was seeking special treatment for a delegation of visiting Chinese businessmen when he was asked to help the first lady defray the cost of 1995 White House Christmas receptions billed to the Democratic National Committee.
...The night that Mr. Chung was visiting the White House the movie that they watched was "Money Train", imagine that?

3 Jul 97 Tyson a no-show for birthday party

NEW YORK - The guest of honor at Mike Tyson's birthday party never showed, but he kept about 100 potential revelers waiting until 3 a.m. Thursday.
...One of the guests was heard to comment "This really bites".

President Clinton recently asked for legislation to protect children from the dangers on hand guns by requiring Warning Labels on the guns.
...In a related story, The Nevada Boxing Commission is considering a Dog Tag for boxer Mike Tyson to show that he has had his shots.

Colombian fishermen pull in haul -- of cocaine

BOGOTA - A speedboat carrying more than two tons of cocaine ran aground and was abandoned off Colombia's Caribbean coast, giving fishermen a windfall, local media reported Wednesday. They took the cocaine ashore and divided it up. Then the trouble started.
...The local DRN (Department of Natural Resources) issued the fisherman tickets because they did not have Cocaine Stamps for their fishing licences.

24 Jun 97

Let me get this right, William Kennedy Smith is the head of Physicians against land mines. This leads to some questions and observations:
1. It makes sense, since he has some experience with things that bang on beach fronts.
2. Is Uncle Ted going to claim that his Oldsmobile in CHAPPAQUIDDICK was doing research on undersea mines?

Leader's wife carries doll for good luck

BANGKOK - Thai premier Chavalit Yongchaiyudh's superstitious wife has been carrying a jewel-studded elephant doll wherever she goes for good luck. Phankrua Yongchaiyudh has been clasping the doll publicly since she returned from a trip to Burma in March.
...She said she got the idea from First Lady Hillary Clinton. She held on to old billing records from the Rose Law Firm for good luck and when she let them go, her luck seemed to change.

Makes it hard to run, doesn't it?

ISLAMABAD - Afghanistan's Taleban movement government announced an Islamic code for sportsmen, ordering them to grow beards and apparently banning the wearing of shorts.
...The Islamabad Olympic Basketball teams new uniforms are something to see, "they look like really tan Amish guys".

20 Jun 97 Passion for pizza ends life on the run

ROME - A passion for pizza got the better of a fugitive jailbird who flew back to Italy for a bite of his favorite food and got arrested. Police at Rome's Fiumicino airport said Vincenzo Esposito was captured during passport checks when the plane he had taken from Madrid landed on Thursday evening.
...Special Prosecutor Ken Star will use this information should he need to subpoena President Clinton. He plans to set large traps throughout Washington baited with Big Macs should the President try to evade Him.

World's most-married man dies at 88

SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - Glynn Wolfe, who had the dubious distinction of being listed as the world's most-married man, has died at the age of 88. Wolfe, married 29 times and listed in the Guinness Book of Records, died of coronary artery disease at a nursing home in San Bernardino.
...Just before he died, he was asked in an interview "How it felt to have lived 88 years and been married 29 times?" He replied, "88 years, man, it feels a lot longer than that."

One giant step for mankind ...

CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand - New Zealand is within a month of introducing a major barroom innovation -- glowing beer tap handles. "This is the first time in the world that there's been an illuminated tap handle without the aid of wires,". said the inventor.
...A local patron when asked to comment said, "I thought they always glowed?"

17 Jun 97 Dead but rich

ROME - The Italian government has been paying disability pensions to 30,000 dead people, some of whom passed away years ago, according to newspaper reports Sunday.
...When asked to comment on these developments Chicago's Mayor replied "Hey, at least here dead people only vote".

Judge: Sell your golf clubs, O.J.

A judge ruled Monday that O.J. Simpson's golf clubs and other personal effects must go on the auction block to help pay part of the $33.5 million judgment against him for the killings of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.
...O.J. commented on the ruling stating "Now I have to rent golf clubs in my nationwide search of golf courses for Nicole and Ron's killer."

Ousted pilot to write memoir

NEW YORK (CNN) -- Kelly Flinn, the Air Force pilot who resigned from the military because of her affair with a married man and other charges, will tell her story in a book to be published by Random House due out this fall.
...Working titles include: "Mile High Club", "Coffee, Tea or Me", "A Jump in the S.A.C.", "Victory Roll", and "Kelly Flinn: The Nuclear Family."

Tobacco talks remain stalled

Despite a final push to produce a tobacco settlement this week, negotiators remained "stuck in neutral" yesterday on the issue of punitive damages, according to a participant in the discussions.
...According to the States representatives "Every time we get close to an agreement, the tobacco representatives leave the room for a smoke break, it's like they were addicted or something."

13 Jun 97 Star Trek fans suffer from addiction?

LONDON - Star Trek fans are like drug addicts who suffer withdrawal symptoms if deprived of their favorite television show, a British study has shown. After studying fans of the science fiction cult show for four years, psychologist Sandy Wolfson said: "My research found that about five to 10 percent of fans met the psychological criteria of addiction."
...The other 95 to 90 percent are just viewed as pitiful.

Graffiti scare prompts plane's unscheduled landing

NEW YORK (CNN) -- A Delta Air Lines flight en route from Atlanta to Madrid made an unscheduled stop Thursday at John F. Kennedy International, after a passenger found graffiti in one of the bathrooms the pilot believed constituted a threat to the flight.
...President Clinton and Vice President Al Gore were called immediately and they painted over the graffiti along with several hundred volunteers.

Rodman fined $50,000; says he's sorry for Mormon comments

CHICAGO (AP) - Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls was fined a record $50,000 on Thursday for derogatory comments about Mormons made during the National Basketball Association finals. Rodman has been making off-color comments about Mormons since the series started. After Game 3 last Friday in Salt Lake City, he explained his poor play by saying: "It's difficult to get in sync because of all the (expletive) Mormons out here. And you can quote me on that."
...Rodman later apologized saying he was not meaning to single out Mormons specifically, his comments were meant for all white people in Utah.

11 Jun 97 Stripper wants day job back

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla - Data processor by day, exotic dancer by night, Sandra Meyer lost both her jobs because of one swift police raid. Meyer, 41, has been under suspension without pay for five months from her day job at the Broward County State Attorney's Office pending an investigation of her moonlighting.
...She has been contacted by the Whitehouse to fill in for an employee who took an unexpected five month leave of absence today.

More than 75,000 roaches in woman's home

FOREST PARK, Ga. - A Georgia woman whose apartment was infested with more than 75,000 cockroaches won free insecticide and a cash prize this week after her problem was judged one of the worst in the country.
...They used a roach motel the size of a Winnebago to catch the pesky critters.

11 Jun 97 Late-night summer museum openings

ROME - Some of Italy's most popular museums and archaeological sites will open until almost midnight for three nights a week over the summer tourist season, under a scheme dubbed "art under the stars" by the government.
...President Clinton was quick to point out his summer program to help tourists to America called Mid-Night Basketball.

Army to kill Shakespeare plan

PARIS - The election victory of France's left-wing parties will probably cause a casualty in the military -- "Operation Shakespeare," aimed at finding 1,000 personnel who speak proficient English, a newspaper said on Wednesday. The French high command was relieved at not having to carry out a "quasi-impossible mission" in a country where speaking foreign languages has never been a strong point.
...They have announced "Operation Emily Post" an almost equally impossible task of trying to find 1,000 persons who will not treat foreigners rudely.

Volcano-plagued island will have pet airlift

MIAMI - Dogs and cats from the British island territory Montserrat, plagued for two years by an active volcano, will get a chance for a new life in the United States. The Boston-based World Society for Protection of Animals said it has arranged to airlift 17 pets next week to Fort Lauderdale, where U.S. families have agreed to take them in.
...Adoptive families were thrilled when they found out that there would be no language problem since they were getting English speaking pets.

Groove to the soothing sounds of "Dr. Death"

NEW YORK (AP) -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian, suicide advocate and now jazz man. Kevorkian has released a compact disc of 12 jazz tunes, 11 of which he penned himself. The 69-year-old Kevorkian can be heard jamming on the flute and organ. "A Very Still Life" goes for a suggested retail price of $18.99.
...Billboard Magazine rated the CD as "Number 25 with a bullit".

10 Jun 97 Clinton Proposes 5-Year Ban on Human Cloning

WASHINGTON - President Clinton has proposed a five-year ban on cloning a human being, saying it was morally unacceptable and could undermine society's respect for human life. "What the legislation will do is to reaffirm our most cherished beliefs about the miracle of human life and the God-given individuality each person possesses," he added.
...Others may call it "Distinguishing Characteristics" that each person possesses.

Man uses billboard to get wife to quit smoking

PITTSBURGH - Sometimes you have to turn up the heat to get someone to kick the habit. Morris Stahl of Swissvale, Pennsylvania, a Pittsburgh suburb, is paying $300 a month to rent a huge billboard that urges his wife to give up smoking. "We love you Phyllis, please stop smoking," says the sign, seen by hundreds of motorists every day.
...Phyllis put up her own sign. It reads "Morris, Pick up your cloths, chew with your mouth closed, loose some weight and yes I have faked it".

Tennis balls full of heroin?

KARACHI, Pakistan - Pakistani customs authorities arrested a Nigerian man at Karachi airport on Monday for carrying 13.7 pounds of heroin concealed in tennis balls, a customs statement.
...The Nigerian man's attorney when asked for a comment replied "There is nothing I can do fo him, they got him by his balls".

9 Jun 97 Drinking doesn't make old people senile

LONDON - A life of drinking can rot your liver but it will not make you senile, Australian researchers reported Friday. A study of Australian war veterans showed the brains of drinkers did not shrink any more than the brains of non-drinkers.
...We already knew this in America, because if drinking did make you senile, Sen. Ted Kennedy would be sitting at home in Hyannisport with his name on a note pinned to his sweater.

'Milk-a-holic' sues dairy industry, claims milk is addictive

SEATTLE (AP) -- A self-described milk-a-holic is suing the dairy industry, claiming that a lifetime of drinking whole milk contributed to his clogged arteries and a minor stroke. Norman Mayo, 61, believes he might have avoided his health problems if he had been warned on milk cartons about fat and cholesterol.
...He claims that the Addictive quality of milk was so strong he just could not quit, when he tried, he got the milk-shakes.

6 Jun 97

After this weeks embarrassing theft, looting and burning of an FBI SWAT van in Memphis Tennessee, FBI Director Louis Freeh ordered that all SWAT vehicles be equiped with ...
The Club.

Marv Albert was ordered to provide hair and blood samples to the Arlington VA. Circuit Court for testing in the pending sexual assault case.
...Testing revealed that Mr. Albert's blood was AB-Negative but that according to his hair sample, he is a 22 year old Chinese woman.

3 Jun 97

BUENOS AIRES - A 59-year-old Argentine farmhand has fathered 35 children by three sisters with whom he has lived for 25 years, a local newspaper in the jungle province of Misiones reported.
...President Clinton has nominated him for the "Presidential Medal of Freedom".

BANGKOK, Thailand - A home-made rocket, aimed at the heavens in a plea for rain, nosedived and hit a village headman, killing him on the spot, Thai police said Monday. Chom Inchan, 48, died at a temple rocket festival in eastern Chantaburi province, about 188 miles east of Bangkok, late Sunday, they told Reuters.
...Oddly, the forcast was for only a 50 percent chance of falling rockets.

REDONDO BEACH, California (AP) -- He flashed. She snapped. Police developed the case from there. A flasher pleaded guilty Wednesday and got two years in jail after the woman he exposed himself to photographed him in the act with the camera she happened to be carrying.
...This could explain the NO CAMARA POLICY Governor Clinton had in Arkansas, he was ahead of his time

30 May 97

THE SUPREME COURT'S unanimous ruling in the Paula Jones case and the certainty with which the president's arguments were dismissed lent strength to the opinion and left little room for maneuver at the White House.
Soon we will be able to confirm the "Distinguishing Characteristics" about the Presidents anatomy. Some say that it is merely a formality and that we already know what it is...Mr Clinton has no Balls!

DECORAH, Iowa (AP) -- An effort to discourage the annual naked soccer game at Luther College led to an arrest and, according to one witness, even more nakedness.
Police were concerned that if things got out of hand it could led to a new definition of "Soccer Mom".

TAMPA, Florida (Reuters) -- A Tampa couple is suing Publix Supermarkets after they found a part of a finger in ham they had bought at the chain.
Florida law strictly prohibits giving someone the finger.

22 May 97

Marv Albert will hold a press conference today and is expected to announce a new endorsement contract that he has just signed.
He will be playing the part of MaGruff the Crime Dog...

22 May 97

MINOT, N.D. - U.S. lawmakers pressured the Air Force Wednesday to grant the first woman B-52 bomber pilot an honorable discharge rather than court-martialing her on charges including adultery.
A compromise agreement was reached however...She will stay in the Air Force but will not fly a B-52. Her new assignment is pilot for Air Force One.

BRUSSELS - Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open day on Saturday to break down barriers with the public and prove the red light district is safe, the organising committee said on Wednesday. "Prostitutes will offer coffee and other drinks," a spokesman told BRTN radio. He said bands and acrobats would perform during the day which would give people a chance to "see the rooms where it all happens."
The United States is sending a delegation to Antwerp including Frank Gifford, Marv Albert and Eddie Murphy.

5 May 97 The Tamagotchi Chicken

An appealing virtual reality creature (a chicken). Tamagotchi ("tom-ah-got-chee") was first discovered in Japan. Tamagotchi hatch from tiny eggs after traveling millions of lightyears through cyberspace. With proper care and feeding (accomplished by pushing buttons on the egg), Tamagotchi quickly grow into adorable virtual reality pets in a wide variety or shapes and personalities.
The virtual chicken named Tamagotchi translates in english to CLINTON.

28 Apr 97

In light of the "scandal du-jour" involving Michael Kennedy and his involvement with the family's 14 year old baby sitter...
The "Kennedy's On-Her Award"
It could Happen!

The Volunteer summit in Philadelphia showed the President painting a wall covering up the mess underneath. Talk about type casting. I thought I was watching a scene from Tom Sawyer when he got everybody to do the work and WHITEWASH the fence.
You can't even write comedy that competes with the Clinton Whitehouse.

In the news footage of the President and Vice President covering up the graffiti with whitewash, you can clearly see that the President has a bullit proof vest on and you can also clearly see that the Vice President does not have one on. This begs the following questions:
  1. Is this the policy to give only the President a vest?
  2. Does the Vice President's wooden posture provide him with special bullit proof qualities?
  3. Is this part of President Clinton's pledge to reduce the Whitehouse budget by 25%?
  4. Have they issued the President bullit proof shorts to protect Federal evidence?

24 Apr 97

WASHINGTON - President Clinton met with the Dalai Lama on Wednesday and told the exiled Tibetan leader he will urge China to open a direct dialogue with him.
They then went to the Presidential golf course and hit a few buckets. President Clinton said after words "It's true, He is a big hitter ya know".

WASHINGTON -- Trying to prevent an embarrassing protest at next week's dedication of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial, President Clinton is urging the addition of a sculpture that shows the 32nd president in his wheelchair.
It was also announced today that the sculpture of President Clinton for the Hall of Presidents will show the Commander in Chief with his pants around his ankles and an on board motor to make his knees knock.

FREDERICKSBURG, Va. (AP) -- Elite Peruvian police were secretly trained in the United States at the start of the 126-day hostage standoff in Lima to rescue hostages and kill terrorists, an American instructor said today.
Now we know what Janet Reno has been doing for the past couple of months.

18 Apr 97

In a show of support for the citizens of Fargo, N.D., Ellen DeGeneres grabbed two sandbags and laid down next to the Red river. She was joined by K.D. Lang, Sandra Bernhard, Melissa Etheridge, Lily Tomlin, and Martina Navratilova.
Maybe we'll see them on the cover of TIME next week with the title "Yep, we're dykes".

WASHINGTON - House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced Thursday he will pay a $300,000 ethics penalty with a loan from his "close personal friend" Bob Dole, the 1996 Republican presidential candidate.
And Newt didn't even ask Bob Dole for his I.D. before he accepted his check.

WASHINGTON - Only one elderly person in 100 manages to cross the street in the time allocated by traffic lights, researchers said Thursday, saying old people should be given more time.
If this were true, we would have old people stacked up like cord wood at city intersections every day, I think this may be some more junk science...

10 Apr 97

WILMINGTON, Del. (AP) -- An Amtrak machinist opened fire this morning at a railroad maintenance yard, killing a foreman and critically wounding two other workers before police shot him to death, authorities said.
...The Las Vegas odds makers changed the odds to 2 to 1 for the category _Most Co-Workers Killed_ which makes Amtrak even money with U.S. Postal Workers. The Over / Under stayed put at 12.

Trying to project good humor despite persistent questioning about the Whitewater allegations, Mrs. Clinton batted away a suggestion from a CNN viewer that she run for office, saying, "I'm considering a very long vacation when my husband's second term is over."
... This might be arranged for her already, 3 to 5 with time off for good behavior.

10 Apr 97

"That's part of the continuing saga of Whitewater," the first lady said in a radio interview. "The never-ending fictional conspirary that honest-to-goodness reminds me of some people's obsession with UFOs and the Hale-Bopp comet somedays."
...In a related story, Jim McDougal wanted to thank Mrs. Clinton for the care package she sent him. He said that the black NIKE's were the right size and the purple table cloth was just the right shade.

7 Apr 97

WASHINGTON - The White House released a second batch of papers belonging to former aide Harold Ickes Wednesday that document the intense pressure on President Clinton to raise money for his 1996 re-election campaign.
The Fox Network announced that they are planning a TV series based on these compelling documents called _THE Ick's FILES_. They reportedly have Asian financial backers for the series.

NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) -- Two Rutgers University researchers believe they have isolated a chemical that produces orgasms in women even if they have suffered spinal cord injuries. The finding could lead one day to a pill that would give the same sensation as an orgasm and also might have use in treating pain.
This is a NO WIN situation for men. The new excuse will now be _Not tonight honey, I HAD a headache_.
OPTIONAL SECOND PUNCHLINE: They will come in both chocolate covered and plane.

2 Apr 97

They were talented Web Designers but even talented people have there limits. Phone record reveal that calls made to Microsoft's help desk numbering in the high hundreds all with the same answer _Try Reinstalling Windows 95_ . This led to such dispondency that they could not take it any more.

2 Apr 97

It was revealed today that Webster Hubbel received some "get right" money from some friends of Bill and Hillary. Several companies were contacted to give Web some much needed work. Facing some time in prison for double billing his clients and other assorted felonies, Mr. Hubble was presented as the ideal candidate for these companies to employ as a Consultant.

Possible areas of consulting for Mr. Hubbel, and reasons to employee him:

  1. Advance team to research what the inside of Federal Prisons look like.
  2. He has a video tape program on improving your memory.
  3. His natural good looks make him a great spokes person.
  4. For the companies that employed him, he promised to only bill them once.
  5. You should see him run a shredder.

Federal Strawberries

In light of the recent Federal Strawberry contamination for hepatitis A, I'm reminded of a joke I once heard.

A farmer was driving his tractor into a field pulling a trailer full of manure. There was a Federal inspector at the farm that day and he asked the farmer what the manure was for. The farmer told him that it was to put on the strawberries.
The Federal inspector replied, That's funny, we usually use whip cream.

31 Mar 97

At the Whitehouse today they held the annual Easter egg roll. There was a story time after and Attorney General Janet Reno read _Queen Janet from the Bunny Planet_.
Some times the news is funnier then anything you can write yourself.

25 Mar 97

It might not be anything, but V.P. Al Gore went to China and brought 32 suitcases with him. He had cloths in 2 of them, and the other 30 were empty...

They showed the movie Jerry Maguire on Air Force Two. Al Gore was overheard claiming credit for Cuba Gooding Jr's line Show me the Money.

The cast from Fargo has been reunited to make a movie about a murder in a small park in the Washington DC, the working title is FOSTER.

The President was wondering if his recent injury as commander in chief would qualify him for the lead in the American Patient? He believes that he can get behind that movies family values message...

11-1-96

The Clinton Campaign in an attempt to explain just how it was that John Huang gained access to the Whitehouse over 60 times in the past nine months offered the following explanation: "Ya see, there were two John Huangs, the one you know about and the other one worked with Al Gore on the reinventing government plan".
Well, as far as I 'm concerned the old adage still holds: TWO HUANGS DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT

6-24-96

In a recent excerpt from Bob Woodward's new book "The Choice", it was reviled that First Lady Hillary Clinton talks to dead women like former First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, and asks her what she should do.
This is great, we have a First Lady who talks to dead women and asks them what she should do, and we have a President who asks almost every live women what can he do

6-21-96

President Bill Clinton announced sweeping changes in the Whitehouse Security staff immediately.
He is replacing Craig Livingstone, the politically appointed head of the Office of Personnel Security with McGruff the Crime Dog.

6-21-96

The Olympic Committee in Atlanta is asking the I.O.C. to reconsider the Torch Run through Atlanta.
They still have a bad feeling from the last time a guy named Sherman ran through the streets with a torch back in 1864.

4-26-96

PETA has come out as being opposed to fishing because it is cruel to the fish.
They recently held a candle light vigil for the fish that were killed in an aquarium at the Oklahoma Federal Building exploration.

4-26-96

President Clinton was caught up in the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis auction fever. Mr. Clinton purchased JFK's Little Black Book.
When asked for a comment concerning the reason for the purchase of such a dated list of women's numbers he replied "Hey, I bet they have some daughters"

4-19-96

A Montana lawmaker who met again with members of the anti-government Freemen group has not disclosed what took place in the first face-to-face contact in more than a week. The group has been subject to a news black out for the past month.
However, it was revealed that the FBI did offer them some wonderful imported British Beef and grape Kool-Aid.

4-19-96

MESCALERO, N.M. (AP) -- An Apache tribe and a consortium of utilities said Thursday that they were dropping their five-year effort to store radioactive fuel rods from the nation's nuclear power plants on tribal land.
The Mayor of a small Minnesota town mentioned that some local park lands might be available ...

3-29-96

The Mad Cow disease that is rampant in England should cause no fear on the part of Americans as we have not imported beef from there for several years.
There is however a cause for alarm should you come in to contact with the French strain of the disease, called Rude Cow.

3-15-96

WASHINGTON - An overheated humidifier started a small fire at the White House last weekend. The blaze was quickly extinguished. The Clintons were not in the mansion. An electrician doing some maintenance work in the mansion's third-floor family quarters extinguished the flames.
It seams all that shredded old legal papers in the family quarters acted a kindling and burned like a scene from the movie Back Draft.

3-15-96

U.S. officials said the $100 million of aid for Israel promised by President Clinton and to be approved by Congress will pay for advanced bomb-detection scanners and sniffers, X-ray systems for people and material, robotics for handling suspect packages, and advanced thermal and radar sensors for detecting bombs.
The Israelis thought the robotics equipment was already delivered last month, but closer examination revealed that it was Vice President Al Gore.

03-13-96

From Special contributor: GARY H.
Rumor has it that the WWF has contacted Joe "Light Fingers" Bertram & Jeff "the Intimidator" Bertram for an upcoming event.
Their manager, Irv "Iron Hand" Anderson could not be reached for comment!

03-05-96

From Special contributor: GARY H.
State Rep. Lourey exspressed concern that the bordering areas of No. Dakota, Wi, and Canada's deer would be fed under the proposed $750, 000 feeding program.
Rep. Myron Orfield immediately proposed an amendment to ship feed to the Iowa & So. Dakota borders so those deer would share equally.

2-16-96

Nordic Track was found guilty of misleading customers as to the potential long term benefits of it's Nordic Track fitness equipment.
Now the company will tell people "You will use it for a while, then hang your clothes on it and eventually sell it at a garage sale."

2-16-96

The Office of Surgeon General announced that warning labels will be posted stating "Lack of physical activity could prove detrimental to your health." They will be required on such items as running shoes and exercise equipment.
President Clinton announced that he is in favor of this new policy, in fact, he had that label put on the waist band of his boxers.

02-07-96

John DuPonts problems are getting worse by the day. It was revealed that he twice drove his Lincoln Continental into the pond on his estate just to see if he could get out.
He now faces charges of impersonating a United States Senator.

02-07-96

State Board: No More Penis Surgeries Until Hearing Is Held.
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- One of the nation's busiest practitioners of penis augmentation surgery has agreed to stop doing the operations pending a hearing on whether he may keep his doctor's license.
He should have the matter cleared up in time for Mr. Clinton's appointment next January.

12-1-95

First lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will face questions from the Senate Whitewater Committee about a late night phone call made following the death of White House Counsel Vince Foster. The answers were to be in written form.
A spokesperson for the First Lady announced that she had complied with the request, however socks, the Whitehouse cat, ate her paper.

12-1-95

This week the CIA confirmed that the U.S. used 'psychic' spies to gather information on foreign countries. In hopes of helping to balance the budget, President Clinton has made this service available to the general public. Call
1-900-HELP BILL.
The cost is $2.99 per minute.

11-17-95

Senior U.S. officials converged on the Wright-Patterson military base in Ohio today as reports circulated that the Balkan rival leaders sequestered there for peace talks are close to making a deal to end their four-year war.
The talks came to a screeching halt yesterday when, as a result of the Federal Government shut down, there were no mints on the pillows of the Balkan leaders.

11-09-95

There was another case of Whitehouse fence jumping reported Thursday.
It seems that Leon Panetta tried to get out.

11-09-95

U.S. Government Shutdown Possible
The government is a day closer to shutdown and default as Congress and the White House battle over the debt limit. Although Republicans in both houses are close to a final bill on extending the debt ceiling temporarily, the White House is threatening a veto.
President Clinton has proposed a stopgap measure that can raise funds for the government, he plans on having a garage sale. Items include: hammer's reduced from $400 to $99 and two for one on any office furniture from the soon to be eliminated commerce department.

11-09-95

NEW YORK, Nov 2 (Reuter) - The aphrodisiac the world has been searching for may be contained in a capsule of chicken egg extract, doctors announcing clinical trials of a treatment to boost sexual desire said on Thursday.
Dr Bjodne Eskeland, one of two researchers who developed the substance and tested it in Norway, told reporters the eggs are incubated for nine days.
They are then broken, the extracts are freeze-dried and made into a powder and put into capsules without other medicinal ingredients.
This research proves that eggs can raise more than just your cholesterol.

10-25-95

NEW YORK (Reuter) - The president of an investment banking company has been charged with assaulting a flight attendant after being refused alcoholic drinks and then defecating on a service cart in the first-class cabin. Gerard Finneran, president of TCW Americas Development Inc., was arraigned in federal court in Brooklyn Monday after the incident Friday on a United Airlines flight from Buenos Aires, Argentina, to New York.
A United Airlines spokesperson said that as a result of this incident the airline is reportedly considering changing there slogan "Something special in the air."

10-19-95

NEW YORK (Reuter) - Actress Mary Tyler Moore says in her new autobiography that she tried to help her cancer-stricken brother commit suicide by feeding him ice cream laced with an overdose of drugs. Moore said she mashed many of the painkillers in ice cream and spoon-fed it to him.
She also announced that she will be opening a new Ice Cream franchise with controversial Dr. Jack Kevorkian called "Bennies and Jerry's".

10-19-95


OJ 's Hunt for the Truth
PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla
O.J. Simpson played a second round of golf Wednesday in the Florida resort town where the parents of his girlfriend live.
After two days of searching, O.J. announced that he has not found the killer at any of the 36 holes.

10-18-95

OJ 's Day of Golf
PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla (Reuter) - In his first extended public outing since his acquittal, O.J. Simpson played a round of golf Tuesday in the hurricane-damaged Florida resort town where the parents of his girlfriend live, the manager of the golf club said. ``We had a good day,'' Joe Inman, one of Simpson's golf partners, told reporters. ``He got better and better as he went around.''
Apparently OJ had a nagging problem with a reoccurring slice. He did however, improve his approach shot, it must have been all the chipping in to the sandbox at his home.

10-18-95

A Voice Mail Greeting
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric HotLine.
  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
  • If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
  • If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
  • If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

10-12-95

O.J. Simpson, What I believe: New York Times interview
``I don't think most of America believes I did it,'' he said. ``I've gotten thousands of letters and telegrams from people supporting me. I saw all those people when I was driving home in that car, on the overpasses. I think about five people reacted negatively. I saw two negative signs. Thousands of people were giving me the thumbs-up sign..."
I think after 16 months of time alone in jail O.J.'s eyesight is going bad, that single digit was not a thumb.

10-11-95

I hear O.J. Simpson is following the current trend among "celebrities" and opening up a restaurant.
It's a Battered Chicken concept.

10-5-95

Simpson Police Conduct Probed
Attorney General Janet Reno says the Justice Department's Civil Rights unit is investigating allegations of police misconduct raised at the O.J. Simpson murder trial. At issue are alleged incidents described in tape recordings by former Los Angeles detective Mark Fuhrman that were played at the trial. The 12 hours of tapes contained a string of racial epithets by Fuhrman.
When asked about other possible Civil Rights violations Ms. Reno said "Nicole and Ron Who?"

10-5-95

Simpson Pay Per View
Sources close to O.J. Simpson indicate that he is considering a Pay-Per-View event to tell his side of of the story.
My question is, how much is O.J. going to pay me to watch him?

10-5-95

Pope of New York
The Pope began his visit to America Wednesday landing at Newark international Airport in New Jersey. After looking around from his airplane the Pope walked down the stairway but decided not to kiss the ground.

10-2-95

Vice President Al Gore's 16 year old daughter was caught over the weekend with an open bottle of beer while at a party. If found guilty, she could face up to a $500.00 fine.
When she was asked for a comment she said "I never Sipped!"

9-26-95

New Breast Implants
Scientists announced a new method for breast implant surgery. The method replaces the silicone implants with tissue cultured from the women's own body. The cells are harvested and the tissue is then grown and used for the surgical implant.
This "Grow Your Own" method will be tested and judged at next years Minnesota State Fair.

9-26-95

A French teenager went on a crime spree last week and shot members of his family and then traveled to a nearby town and began shooting villagers at random.
The young man became despondent when he was told that he could never realize his life's long dream of becoming a U.S. Postal worker.

9-26-95

President Clinton commented last week that the nation is in a "Funk" marking the first time that the word Funk has been spoken by the leader of the world's most powerful nation.
The President also said that he thought the nation might begin showing other signs of trouble such as "The Munchies", "Thinking that your dog is talking to you" and "That feeling like your hat is still on after you've taken it off".

9-21-95

CORONADO, Calif. (Reuter) - Orville Redenbacher, the grandfatherly figure known to millions of Americans from television ads for his company's popcorn, was found dead in his bathtub Tuesday morning, police said. He was 88.
He is survived by two daughters, 12 grandchildren , 10 great-grandchildren AND ONE OLD-MAID.

This is when "THIG" took a short vacation.

And they say that there is no rest for the wicked !

8-4-95

ISLAND FALLS, Maine (Reuter)
The people of Island Falls, Maine got an unexpected seafood feast Wednesday after a truck carrying $55,000 worth of lobsters crashed near this tiny town. Crates of crustaceans were strewn over the ground when a driver lost control of his rig while exiting a highway, police said.
It seems that a truck carring 10,000 gallons of melted butter had just rolled over and the lobster truck could not avoid it in time.

8-4-95

According to the StarTribune Kevin Chandler was involved in a "Scuffle" with his wife outside a St. Paul bar this past week.
It was also noted that the Bosnians and Serbs are still having a Tiff over some real estate.

7-21-95

The City council of Minneapolis took action on the "Oggeling" problem. A spokesperson for the Council said "The vote was close, but the Aye's have it."

7-18-95

My production company, Double Standard Studios, has just announced that we have finished filming on "THE GARAGES OF GUMPTION COUNTY"
It's a story about a guy who is feeling neglected by his wife. She doesn't bring him cigars or a beer any more. She spend time reading romance novels and seeing women's movies. He feels neglected, alone in his garage when a chance visit from the RIGID PIPE GIRL changes his life forever.....

7-18-95

The Minneapolis city hall issued a letter warning their pavers against "Eyeing" women. To monitor this problem the referees from midnight Basketball will be assigned to monitor for 3 second violations.

7-14-95

Up to 4,000 head of cattle may have died from heat stress in Iowa, Nebraska and Kansas, livestock industry sources said. The cattle just dropped in the field from the record heat.
One Iowa rancher tried to put a positive spin on the situation, he said "You city folk are all alike, where do you think GROUND BEEF Comes from"

7-13-95

The city of Roseville this week proposed limiting the number of flags that a local car dealership could display on their property. Council person Johnson believed that the large number of flags was simply advertising and not a patriotic display.
The dealership, confident of a victory in this matter, has scheduled a "NON-REGISTERED KEGGER" in celebration.

7-13-95

The 1000th person to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco was announced this week.
The jumper received a 5.5, 5.9, 5.6 and a disappointing 4.1 from the Soviet Judge.

7-13-95

In keeping with such changes in title as "Director of Player personnel", and "Reader Customer Unit Manager" the StarTribune has changed the title of it's delivery people to "Distribution facilitators of a replenishable, although politically incorrect medium, providing subjective information on a daily basis"

7-11-95 US Recognizes Vietnam

President Clinton established full diplomatic relations with Hanoi two decades after the end of the Vietnam War. Clinton announced normalization of relations between Washington and Hanoi and in doing so has scored another First.
This will be the first time anyone from his administration has gone to Vietnam.

7-11-95 Yeltsin Hospitalized

Russian President Boris Yeltsin was hospitalized with a heart ailment in Moscow Tuesday but a spokesman says initial tests show the Kremlin leader's condition is not serious. The 64-year-old Russian president is suffering from a condition marked by an obstructed supply of blood to the organ. But official spokesmen for Yeltsin say he is well enough to continue his work from his hospital room.
In a related announcement, the ministry of health said that Stalin's cold took a turn for the worse.

7-5-95

A new fragrance for women has been introduced and they say it was inspired by the book/movie "The Bridges of Madison of County" it's called Bridges. The perfume is aiming for a specific market segment because the ad copy reads..."Bridges, the perfect scent for an affair with a randy National Geographic Photographer"

7-7-95 Item 2: USA TODAY, Friday, July 7, 1995, page 3A

IMPOTENCE DRUG:

The FDA approved the drug Caverject Sterile Power for treatment of male impotence. This is the first goverment-Ok'd drug for that purpose. The drug was developed by Upjohn.
(Honest Joe, I can't compete with reality sometimes.)

Optional follow up...

The Sterile Powder was originally tested in a pill form. The problem they encountered was, if you swallowed it to slowly, you got a stiff neck.

7-7-95

The jury in the O.J. Simpson trial has some time to kill since they have a three day weekend before the defense opens it's arguments on Monday.
Interestingly enough, O.J. has some time to kill again this weekend so to speak.

7-7-95

USA TODAY, Friday, July 7, 1995, page 9A MONTANA: Yellowstone National Park- Research geologist Rick Hutchinson says 2,300 mini earthquakes were recorded in the park over a five-day period.
Local officials were relieved when they was discovered that the park was the site for the annual Rosanne Barr look alike convention that week.

Ps. Does NickBoy have a problem with people constantly putting a mirror up to his mouth to see if he's breathing?

6-27-95 Actor Busted on Lewdness Charge

Hugh Grant, the British actor with the beguiling smile and sophisticated demeanor, is charged with engaging in a lewd act with a prostitute. Los Angeles police arrested them early this morning after spotting them in a parked car. Grant allegedly picked up the woman on Hollywood's Sunset Boulevard and both were arrested. Grant, who has a long-term relationship with actress-model Elizabeth Hurley, was later released on his own recognizance.
Grant became a box office commodity in "Four Weddings and a Funeral." He's currently seen in the film "The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came Down a John."

6-21-95 Doctors Urge Pot Legalization

A commentary published in a respected medical journal urges the legalization of marijuana for medical conditions ranging from glaucoma to migraine headaches. The commentary says more is known about marijuana than about most prescription drugs, it is remarkably safe, with no known case of lethal overdose, and is far less addictive or subject to abuse than many legal drugs.
The only stipulation to the recomendation was that a gift certificitate for Weight Watchers accompany the precription.

6-21-95

The State of Arkansas has improved its rating from 50th to 49th in the overall rating of states as to their "Livability". Also announced today, Arkansas has changed its State motto to "Thank God For Mississippi"

6-19-95

I was shopping in the toy store in Liberal Lakes last week. I saw the newest toy on the market, it's the DIVORCED BARBIE. It comes with all of Ken's things......

6-19-95

Hollywood insiders revealed today that Tommy Lee Jones was not the studios first choice for the character 'Two Face" in Batman Forever. They could not come to agreement with their first choice as his duties as Commander and Chief required a lot of travel.

6-19-95 Cure for Grumpy Old Men?

Researchers have found a way to make some grouchy men less so. Studies at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center have found that testosterone replacement therapy used to treat "hypogonadal" men -- men who do not produce enough of the male sex hormone -- made the men less grouchy, nervous and irritable
A spokesman for the organization called Grumpy Old Nasty And Difficult (GONAD) said "Sounds like these young punk Doctors have to much time on their hands"

6-16-95

After this weeks address by President Clinton and his decision to present a budget to The Congress, The American Meteorologist Society made Mr. Clinton a certified meteorologist. Their rational was based on his innate ability to sense the changing winds across America and adjust his long range outlook accordingly.
In a related story, the Democratic National Committee announced today the formation of a new cable channel called The Whether Channel. It will focus on Mr. Clinton's position's on issues. For example; whether or not he should send troops to Bosnia, or whether or not he should run again for President.

6-15-95

In light of last nights revelation that Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson do sleep together and engage in "marital relations" it was announced today that they will be changing the name of the "Neverland" ranch to the "YES, YES, YES LAND" ranch?

6-15-95

After watching last nights interview and not seeing Elvis storm the stage, grab Lisa Marie buy the hand and take her away we can finally announce with confidence that Elvis is really dead.

5-26-95

Spicy and Blackie, two St. Paul dogs, were acquitted and escaped the death penalty Thursday for their alleged involvement in the death of a local cat named Scruff. Attorney for the dogs, Mr. Scooby Shapiro, said that his clients had an air tight alibi, "At the time of the unfortunate incident, the dogs were at their dog house, in the front yard practicing their golf swing."

5-26-95

WASHINGTON (Reuter) - The Senate Ethics Committee found last Wednesday there was substantial evidence that Sen. Bob Packwood may have engaged in sexual misconduct on 18 separate occasions. The incidents include allegations that Packwood kissed, fondled or grabbed women without their consent in Washington, D.C., and Oregon between 1969 and 1990.
"The act of impersonating a Kennedy is not going to be tolerated and punishment will be swift and severe." Said the Ethics Committee Chair.

5-18-95

A new charity established in Garage Logic, MN. It is called "Habitat for Masculinity". This charity builds garages for men who don't have a garage of their own. We are hoping to have former President George Bush help in this effort.

5-18-95

A radio ad for the show. (Quick paced, smarmy radio announcer voice)
"Attention Minnesota residents! The State of Minnesota announces a Starving Artist Emergency Liquidation Art Sale! These first quality, state owned works of art are available now at starving artists prices. No work of art over $50,000.00.
    The sale runs Monday through Friday, from 9 to 5, at the following locations:
  • The State Revenue Building
  • The Transportation Building
  • The Capital
  • The Public Service Building
  • Metro Square
  • The State Administration Building
  • And All State Run Prisons

Visa, Mastercard and Purchase Orders Accepted.
The State of Minnesota bringing inspiring art to the workers (and prisoners) for nearly 20 years. "

5-12-95

LOS ANGELES (Reuter) - In the most powerful evidence yet presented against O.J. Simpson, an expert testified that the odds that blood found at the scene of his wife's murder could have come from anyone but Simpson were about one in 170 million. In a related story, the State announced Thursday that the population of California grew by about 392,000 in 1994 and now totals over 32 million.
Defense attorneys for Simpson immediately demanded a recount.

5-12-95

A definition of "Minnesota Nice" Telling the thug who carjacks you "...Ya gotta pump the gas peddle a couple of times when she's cold"

5-9-95

Concerning the issue of security at the Whitehouse, President Clinton last month said he hoped officials would find a way to secure the property without closing the street. ''Millions of Americans go by Pennsylvania Avenue every year and see the White House and the overwhelming majority of them are law-abiding, good American citizens,''
"Besides, It's a BABE FEST in the summer."

5-9-95

This ad recently appeared in the Liberal Lakes Daily Newspaper "Das Rag"

Help Wanted

The qualified applicant will have a High School degree, experience in Dance and Swahili a plus. This waitress/waiter position pays $4.35 plus tips.

5-9-95

Secretary of Labor Robert Reich announced that there is a crisis in the availability of day care for the small children of workers in America. The report was based on first hand, under cover research conducted by both Reich and Donna Shalala in day care centers in the Washington, DC area.

4-27-95

Defense attorney Johnny Cochran told Judge Ito that one of the alternate jurors, a black female postal worker, did not appear to be paying attention to the proceedings. He said the juror was ``just looking straight ahead and hasn't taken any notes all day and (looks) preoccupied.''
Judge Ito informed Mr. Cochran that he obviously has not been to many post offices, and that her behavior was nothing to be concerned about.

4-27-95

In a sad turn of events Thursday while all the girls were participating in "Take your daughter to work day" The following occurred at school:
  • Elections were held and all the boys won.
  • Recruiters from colleges came in and all the scholarships were awarded to the boys.
  • Everyone in attendance was promoted one full grade.
  • Lunch was pizza (no salad bar)
  • They had a card game all afternoon

4-21-95

Michael Jordan was was not confirmed as Commissioner of the Department of Public Safety. A Senate spokesman indicated that " The guy can't hit a curve and really should go back to what he knows best." He then apologized for the misunderstanding sighting that he did not read the summary prepared by his staff on the nomination.

4-21-95

Vice President Al Gore was mistakenly pruned and sprayed by grounds keepers while visiting the Whitehouse last week. The surprised grounds keeper was quoted (USE CARL VOICE FROM CADDYSHACK) "I was shocked when he started to move, He was still for so long, I thought it was a tree"

4-21-95

Television reporters eager to give us their views of the Oklahoma tragedy have shown us just what sacrifices they have made for their viewers. One reporter actually went on the air with out make-up. Peter Jennings was so eager to tell us what was going on that he could not tie his tie and Connie Chung was so eager to get on the air that she went on with out anything of importance to say.