01 Aug 1997
Bird drops eel, blacks out 500 homes
TOKYO - A bird fished a choice eel out of Tokyo Bay, dropped it on a
power line and caused a freak power outage in 500 homes in Yokosuka,
south of Tokyo, power company officials said Friday.
...Now that's an electric eel.
01 Aug 1997
A man in Cairo, Egypt returned from the dead this week. After twelve
hours in a morgue refrigerator, Abdel-Sattar Abdel-Salam Badawi woke up
inside his coffin and began yelling for help. This was apparently too
much for one of the paramedics working in the morgue, who dropped dead
from the shock.
...You gotta love socialized medicine
01 Aug 1997
Relatives say Brooklyn bomb suspects are not militants
NEW YORK (CNN) -- One of the men accused of conspiring to set off bombs
in the New York City subway may have fallen in with "the wrong people"
when he came to the United States but was not involved in terrorism, an
uncle said Friday.
...If only we had Islamic Midnight Basketball.
01 Aug 1997
In the Netherlands, an airline pilot has been sentenced to four months
in jail. Wim de Nijs was convicted of jamming the air traffic control
frequency and jeopardizing airport safety, by singing the "Flintstones"
theme over the radio for 20 minutes while landing his plane.
...He landed just as he started his tribute to "Gilligan's Island" and
the "Brady Bunch". It seems that the Netherlands just started to get
Nick at Night and TV Land.
July 28, 1997
Clinton up to his neck in hot water-literally
WASHINGTON - President Clinton is up to his neck in hot water and
enjoying every minute of it, now that a new hot tub has been donated to
the White House. Asked why Clinton opted for a seven-seater when there
are only three members of his immediate family?
...Hillary has a lot of trips scheduled and I might have a meeting with
six "supporters.", if you know what I mean.
Elderly man takes gun lesson, commits suicide
SAN ANTONIO, Texas - A 78-year-old man killed himself at a shooting
range after renting a gun and taking a lesson in how to use it,
officials said on Friday. The death, which took place on Thursday, was
ruled a suicide by the Bexar County medical examiner. The man shot
himself in the head as soon as his instructor left him alone.
...Dr. Jack Kevorkian is flying to Texas to open "Dr. Jack's Wild West
Weekender" a gun store with no seven day waiting period. Cash only!
The White House Toll-Gate
In Sunday's Los Angeles Times Chung said he sought VIP treatment from
the White House in exchange for the donation on March 9, 1995. “I see
the White House is like a subway, you have to put in coins to open the
gates,” Chung told the newspaper. He was seeking special treatment for
a delegation of visiting Chinese businessmen when he was asked to help
the first lady defray the cost of 1995 White House Christmas receptions
billed to the Democratic National Committee.
...The night that Mr. Chung was visiting the White House the movie that
they watched was "Money Train", imagine that?
3 Jul 97
Tyson a no-show for birthday party
NEW YORK - The guest of honor at Mike Tyson's birthday party never
showed, but he kept about 100 potential revelers waiting until 3 a.m.
...One of the guests was heard to comment "This really bites".
President Clinton recently asked for legislation to protect children from
the dangers on hand guns by requiring Warning Labels on the guns.
...In a related story, The Nevada Boxing Commission is considering a Dog
Tag for boxer Mike Tyson to show that he has had his shots.
Colombian fishermen pull in haul -- of cocaine
BOGOTA - A speedboat carrying more than two tons of cocaine ran aground
and was abandoned off Colombia's Caribbean coast, giving fishermen a
windfall, local media reported Wednesday. They took the cocaine ashore
and divided it up. Then the trouble started.
...The local DRN (Department of Natural Resources) issued the fisherman
tickets because they did not have Cocaine Stamps for their fishing
24 Jun 97
Let me get this right, William Kennedy Smith is the head of Physicians
against land mines. This leads to some questions and observations:
1. It makes sense, since he has some experience with things that bang on
2. Is Uncle Ted going to claim that his Oldsmobile in CHAPPAQUIDDICK was
doing research on undersea mines?
Leader's wife carries doll for good luck
BANGKOK - Thai premier Chavalit Yongchaiyudh's superstitious wife has
been carrying a jewel-studded elephant doll wherever she goes for good
luck. Phankrua Yongchaiyudh has been clasping the doll publicly since she
returned from a trip to Burma in March.
...She said she got the idea from First Lady Hillary Clinton. She held
on to old billing records from the Rose Law Firm for good luck and when
she let them go, her luck seemed to change.
Makes it hard to run, doesn't it?
ISLAMABAD - Afghanistan's Taleban movement government announced an
Islamic code for sportsmen, ordering them to grow beards and apparently
banning the wearing of shorts.
...The Islamabad Olympic Basketball teams new uniforms are something to
see, "they look like really tan Amish guys".
20 Jun 97
Passion for pizza ends life on the run
ROME - A passion for pizza got the better of a fugitive jailbird who flew
back to Italy for a bite of his favorite food and got arrested. Police at
Rome's Fiumicino airport said Vincenzo Esposito was captured during
passport checks when the plane he had taken from Madrid landed on
...Special Prosecutor Ken Star will use this information should he need
to subpoena President Clinton. He plans to set large traps throughout
Washington baited with Big Macs should the President try to evade Him.
World's most-married man dies at 88
SAN BERNARDINO, Calif. - Glynn Wolfe, who had the dubious distinction of
being listed as the world's most-married man, has died at the age of 88.
Wolfe, married 29 times and listed in the Guinness Book of Records, died
of coronary artery disease at a nursing home in San Bernardino.
...Just before he died, he was asked in an interview "How it felt to have
lived 88 years and been married 29 times?" He replied, "88 years, man, it
feels a lot longer than that."
One giant step for mankind ...
CHRISTCHURCH, New Zealand - New Zealand is within a month of introducing
a major barroom innovation -- glowing beer tap handles. "This is the
first time in the world that there's been an illuminated tap handle
without the aid of wires,". said the inventor.
...A local patron when asked to comment said, "I thought they always
17 Jun 97
Dead but rich
ROME - The Italian government has been paying disability pensions to
30,000 dead people, some of whom passed away years ago, according to
newspaper reports Sunday.
...When asked to comment on these developments Chicago's Mayor replied
"Hey, at least here dead people only vote".
Judge: Sell your golf clubs, O.J.
A judge ruled Monday that O.J. Simpson's golf clubs and other personal
effects must go on the auction block to help pay part of the $33.5
million judgment against him for the killings of Nicole Brown Simpson and
...O.J. commented on the ruling stating "Now I have to rent golf clubs in
my nationwide search of golf courses for Nicole and Ron's killer."
Ousted pilot to write memoir
NEW YORK (CNN) -- Kelly Flinn, the Air Force pilot who resigned from the
military because of her affair with a married man and other charges, will
tell her story in a book to be published by Random House due out this
...Working titles include: "Mile High Club", "Coffee, Tea or Me", "A Jump
in the S.A.C.", "Victory Roll", and "Kelly Flinn: The Nuclear Family."
Tobacco talks remain stalled
Despite a final push to produce a tobacco settlement this week,
negotiators remained "stuck in neutral" yesterday on the issue of
punitive damages, according to a participant in the discussions.
...According to the States representatives "Every time we get close to an
agreement, the tobacco representatives leave the room for a smoke break,
it's like they were addicted or something."
13 Jun 97
Star Trek fans suffer from addiction?
LONDON - Star Trek fans are like drug addicts who suffer withdrawal
symptoms if deprived of their favorite television show, a British study
has shown. After studying fans of the science fiction cult show for four
years, psychologist Sandy Wolfson said: "My research found that about
five to 10 percent of fans met the psychological criteria of addiction."
...The other 95 to 90 percent are just viewed as pitiful.
Graffiti scare prompts plane's unscheduled landing
NEW YORK (CNN) -- A Delta Air Lines flight en route from Atlanta to
Madrid made an unscheduled stop Thursday at John F. Kennedy
International, after a passenger found graffiti in one of the bathrooms
the pilot believed constituted a threat to the flight.
...President Clinton and Vice President Al Gore were called immediately
and they painted over the graffiti along with several hundred volunteers.
Rodman fined $50,000; says he's sorry for Mormon comments
CHICAGO (AP) - Dennis Rodman of the Chicago Bulls was fined a record
$50,000 on Thursday for derogatory comments about Mormons made during the
National Basketball Association finals. Rodman has been making off-color
comments about Mormons since the series started. After Game 3 last Friday
in Salt Lake City, he explained his poor play by saying: "It's difficult
to get in sync because of all the (expletive) Mormons out here. And you
can quote me on that."
...Rodman later apologized saying he was not meaning to single out
Mormons specifically, his comments were meant for all white people in
11 Jun 97
Stripper wants day job back
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla - Data processor by day, exotic dancer by night,
Sandra Meyer lost both her jobs because of one swift police raid. Meyer,
41, has been under suspension without pay for five months from her day
job at the Broward County State Attorney's Office pending an
investigation of her moonlighting.
...She has been contacted by the Whitehouse to fill in for an employee
who took an unexpected five month leave of absence today.
More than 75,000 roaches in woman's home
FOREST PARK, Ga. - A Georgia woman whose apartment was infested with more
than 75,000 cockroaches won free insecticide and a cash prize this week
after her problem was judged one of the worst in the country.
...They used a roach motel the size of a Winnebago to catch the pesky
11 Jun 97
Late-night summer museum openings
ROME - Some of Italy's most popular museums and archaeological sites will
open until almost midnight for three nights a week over the summer
tourist season, under a scheme dubbed "art under the stars" by the
...President Clinton was quick to point out his summer program to help
tourists to America called Mid-Night Basketball.
Army to kill Shakespeare plan
PARIS - The election victory of France's left-wing parties will probably
cause a casualty in the military -- "Operation Shakespeare," aimed at
finding 1,000 personnel who speak proficient English, a newspaper said on
Wednesday. The French high command was relieved at not having to carry
out a "quasi-impossible mission" in a country where speaking foreign
languages has never been a strong point.
...They have announced "Operation Emily Post" an almost equally
impossible task of trying to find 1,000 persons who will not treat
Volcano-plagued island will have pet airlift
MIAMI - Dogs and cats from the British island territory Montserrat,
plagued for two years by an active volcano, will get a chance for a new
life in the United States. The Boston-based World Society for Protection
of Animals said it has arranged to airlift 17 pets next week to Fort
Lauderdale, where U.S. families have agreed to take them in.
...Adoptive families were thrilled when they found out that there would
be no language problem since they were getting English speaking pets.
Groove to the soothing sounds of "Dr. Death"
NEW YORK (AP) -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian, suicide advocate and now jazz man.
Kevorkian has released a compact disc of 12 jazz tunes, 11 of which he
penned himself. The 69-year-old Kevorkian can be heard jamming on the
flute and organ. "A Very Still Life" goes for a suggested retail price of
...Billboard Magazine rated the CD as "Number 25 with a bullit".
10 Jun 97
Clinton Proposes 5-Year Ban on Human Cloning
WASHINGTON - President Clinton has proposed a five-year ban on cloning a
human being, saying it was morally unacceptable and could undermine
society's respect for human life.
"What the legislation will do is to reaffirm our most cherished beliefs
about the miracle of human life and the God-given individuality each
person possesses," he added.
...Others may call it "Distinguishing Characteristics" that each person
Man uses billboard to get wife to quit smoking
PITTSBURGH - Sometimes you have to turn up the heat to get someone to
kick the habit. Morris Stahl of Swissvale, Pennsylvania, a Pittsburgh
suburb, is paying $300 a month to rent a huge billboard that urges his
wife to give up smoking. "We love you Phyllis, please stop smoking," says
the sign, seen by hundreds of motorists every day.
...Phyllis put up her own sign. It reads "Morris, Pick up your cloths,
chew with your mouth closed, loose some weight and yes I have faked it".
Tennis balls full of heroin?
KARACHI, Pakistan - Pakistani customs authorities arrested a Nigerian man
at Karachi airport on Monday for carrying 13.7 pounds of heroin concealed
in tennis balls, a customs statement.
...The Nigerian man's attorney when asked for a comment replied "There is
nothing I can do fo him, they got him by his balls".
9 Jun 97 Drinking doesn't make old people senile
LONDON - A life of drinking can rot your liver but it will not make you
senile, Australian researchers reported Friday. A study of Australian
war veterans showed the brains of drinkers did not shrink any more than
the brains of non-drinkers.
...We already knew this in America, because if drinking did make you
senile, Sen. Ted Kennedy would be sitting at home in Hyannisport with his
name on a note pinned to his sweater.
'Milk-a-holic' sues dairy industry, claims milk is addictive
SEATTLE (AP) -- A self-described milk-a-holic is suing the dairy
industry, claiming that a lifetime of drinking whole milk contributed to
his clogged arteries and a minor stroke. Norman Mayo, 61, believes he
might have avoided his health problems if he had been warned on milk
cartons about fat and cholesterol.
...He claims that the Addictive quality of milk was so strong he just
could not quit, when he tried, he got the milk-shakes.
6 Jun 97
After this weeks embarrassing theft, looting and burning of an FBI SWAT
van in Memphis Tennessee, FBI Director Louis Freeh ordered that all SWAT
vehicles be equiped with ...
Marv Albert was ordered to provide hair and blood samples to the
Arlington VA. Circuit Court for testing in the pending sexual assault
...Testing revealed that Mr. Albert's blood was AB-Negative but that
according to his hair sample, he is a 22 year old Chinese woman.
3 Jun 97
BUENOS AIRES - A 59-year-old Argentine farmhand has fathered 35 children
by three sisters with whom he has lived for 25 years, a local newspaper
in the jungle province of Misiones reported.
...President Clinton has nominated him for the "Presidential Medal of
BANGKOK, Thailand - A home-made rocket, aimed at the heavens in a plea
for rain, nosedived and hit a village headman, killing him on the spot,
Thai police said Monday. Chom Inchan, 48, died at a temple rocket
festival in eastern Chantaburi province, about 188 miles east of Bangkok,
late Sunday, they told Reuters.
...Oddly, the forcast was for only a 50 percent chance of falling rockets.
REDONDO BEACH, California (AP) -- He flashed. She snapped. Police
developed the case from there. A flasher pleaded guilty Wednesday and
got two years in jail after the woman he exposed himself to photographed
him in the act with the camera she happened to be carrying.
...This could explain the NO CAMARA POLICY Governor Clinton had in Arkansas,
he was ahead of his time
30 May 97
THE SUPREME COURT'S unanimous ruling in the Paula Jones case and the
certainty with which the president's arguments were dismissed lent
strength to the opinion and left little room for maneuver at the White
Soon we will be able to confirm the "Distinguishing Characteristics"
about the Presidents anatomy. Some say that it is merely a formality and
that we already know what it is...Mr Clinton has no Balls!
DECORAH, Iowa (AP) -- An effort to discourage the annual naked soccer
game at Luther College led to an arrest and, according to one witness,
even more nakedness.
Police were concerned that if things got out of hand it could led to a
new definition of "Soccer Mom".
TAMPA, Florida (Reuters) -- A Tampa couple is suing Publix Supermarkets
after they found a part of a finger in ham they had bought at the chain.
Florida law strictly prohibits giving someone the finger.
22 May 97
Marv Albert will hold a press conference today and is expected to
announce a new endorsement contract that he has just signed.
He will be playing the part of MaGruff the Crime Dog...
22 May 97
MINOT, N.D. - U.S. lawmakers pressured the Air Force Wednesday to grant
the first woman B-52 bomber pilot an honorable discharge rather than
court-martialing her on charges including adultery.
A compromise agreement was reached however...She will stay in the Air
Force but will not fly a B-52. Her new assignment is pilot for Air Force
BRUSSELS - Prostitutes in the Belgian port of Antwerp will hold an open
day on Saturday to break down barriers with the public and prove the red
light district is safe, the organising committee said on Wednesday.
"Prostitutes will offer coffee and other drinks," a spokesman told BRTN
radio. He said bands and acrobats would perform during the day which
would give people a chance to "see the rooms where it all happens."
The United States is sending a delegation to Antwerp including Frank
Gifford, Marv Albert and Eddie Murphy.
5 May 97 The Tamagotchi Chicken
An appealing virtual reality creature (a chicken). Tamagotchi
("tom-ah-got-chee") was first discovered in Japan. Tamagotchi hatch from
tiny eggs after traveling millions of lightyears through cyberspace. With
proper care and feeding (accomplished by pushing buttons on the egg),
Tamagotchi quickly grow into adorable virtual reality pets in a wide
variety or shapes and personalities.
The virtual chicken named Tamagotchi translates in english to CLINTON.
28 Apr 97
In light of the "scandal du-jour" involving Michael Kennedy and his
involvement with the family's 14 year old baby sitter...
The "Kennedy's On-Her Award"
It could Happen!
The Volunteer summit in Philadelphia showed the President painting a wall
covering up the mess underneath. Talk about type casting. I thought I
was watching a scene from Tom Sawyer when he got everybody to do the work
and WHITEWASH the fence.
You can't even write comedy that competes with
the Clinton Whitehouse.
In the news footage of the President and Vice President covering up the
graffiti with whitewash, you can clearly see that the President has a
bullit proof vest on and you can also clearly see that the Vice President
does not have one on. This begs the following questions:
- Is this the policy to give only the President a vest?
- Does the Vice President's wooden posture provide him with special bullit proof qualities?
- Is this part of President Clinton's pledge to reduce the Whitehouse budget by 25%?
- Have they issued the President bullit proof shorts to protect Federal evidence?
24 Apr 97
WASHINGTON - President Clinton met with the Dalai Lama on Wednesday and
told the exiled Tibetan leader he will urge China to open a direct
dialogue with him.
They then went to the Presidential golf course and hit a few buckets.
President Clinton said after words "It's true, He is a big hitter ya
WASHINGTON -- Trying to prevent an embarrassing protest at next week's
dedication of the Franklin D. Roosevelt Memorial, President Clinton is
urging the addition of a sculpture that shows the 32nd president in his
It was also announced today that the sculpture of President Clinton for
the Hall of Presidents will show the Commander in Chief with his pants
around his ankles and an on board motor to make his knees knock.
FREDERICKSBURG, Va. (AP) -- Elite Peruvian police were secretly trained
in the United States at the start of the 126-day hostage standoff in Lima
to rescue hostages and kill terrorists, an American instructor said today.
Now we know what Janet Reno has been doing for the past couple of months.
18 Apr 97
In a show of support for the citizens of Fargo, N.D., Ellen DeGeneres
grabbed two sandbags and laid down next to the Red river. She was joined
by K.D. Lang, Sandra Bernhard, Melissa Etheridge, Lily Tomlin, and
Maybe we'll see them on the cover of TIME next week with the title "Yep,
WASHINGTON - House Speaker Newt Gingrich announced Thursday he will pay a
$300,000 ethics penalty with a loan from his "close personal friend" Bob
Dole, the 1996 Republican presidential candidate.
And Newt didn't even ask Bob Dole for his I.D. before he accepted his
WASHINGTON - Only one elderly person in 100 manages to cross the street
in the time allocated by traffic lights, researchers said Thursday,
saying old people should be given more time.
If this were true, we would have old people stacked up like cord wood at
city intersections every day, I think this may be some more junk
10 Apr 97
WILMINGTON, Del. (AP) -- An Amtrak machinist opened fire this morning at
a railroad maintenance yard, killing a foreman and critically wounding
two other workers before police shot him to death, authorities said.
...The Las Vegas odds makers changed the odds to 2 to 1 for the category
_Most Co-Workers Killed_ which makes Amtrak even money with U.S. Postal
Workers. The Over / Under stayed put at 12.
Trying to project good humor despite persistent questioning about the
Whitewater allegations, Mrs. Clinton batted away a suggestion from a CNN
viewer that she run for office, saying, "I'm considering a very long
vacation when my husband's second term is over."
... This might be arranged for her already, 3 to 5 with time off for good
10 Apr 97
"That's part of the continuing saga of Whitewater," the first lady said
in a radio interview. "The never-ending fictional conspirary that
honest-to-goodness reminds me of some people's obsession with UFOs and
the Hale-Bopp comet somedays."
...In a related story, Jim McDougal wanted to thank Mrs. Clinton for the
care package she sent him. He said that the black NIKE's were the right
size and the purple table cloth was just the right shade.
7 Apr 97
WASHINGTON - The White House released a second batch of papers belonging
to former aide Harold Ickes Wednesday that document the intense pressure
on President Clinton to raise money for his 1996 re-election campaign.
The Fox Network announced that they are planning a TV series based on
these compelling documents called _THE Ick's FILES_. They reportedly
have Asian financial backers for the series.
NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. (AP) -- Two Rutgers University researchers believe
they have isolated a chemical that produces orgasms in women even if they
have suffered spinal cord injuries. The finding could lead one day to a
pill that would give the same sensation as an orgasm and also might have
use in treating pain.
This is a NO WIN situation for men. The new excuse will now be _Not
tonight honey, I HAD a headache_.
OPTIONAL SECOND PUNCHLINE:
They will come in both chocolate covered and plane.
2 Apr 97
They were talented Web Designers but even talented people have there
limits. Phone record reveal that calls made to Microsoft's help desk
numbering in the high hundreds all with the same answer _Try Reinstalling
Windows 95_ . This led to such dispondency that they could not take it
2 Apr 97
It was revealed today that Webster Hubbel received some "get right" money
from some friends of Bill and Hillary. Several companies were contacted
to give Web some much needed work. Facing some time in prison for double
billing his clients and other assorted felonies, Mr. Hubble was presented
as the ideal candidate for these companies to employ as a Consultant.
Possible areas of consulting for Mr. Hubbel, and reasons to employee him:
- Advance team to research what the inside of Federal Prisons look like.
- He has a video tape program on improving your memory.
- His natural good looks make him a great spokes person.
- For the companies that employed him, he promised to only bill them once.
- You should see him run a shredder.
In light of the recent Federal Strawberry contamination for hepatitis A,
I'm reminded of a joke I once heard.
A farmer was driving his tractor into a field pulling a trailer full of
manure. There was a Federal inspector at the farm that day and he asked
the farmer what the manure was for. The farmer told him that it was to
put on the strawberries.
The Federal inspector replied, That's funny, we
usually use whip cream.
31 Mar 97
At the Whitehouse today they held the annual Easter egg roll. There was
a story time after and Attorney General Janet Reno read _Queen Janet from
the Bunny Planet_.
Some times the news is funnier then anything you can
25 Mar 97
It might not be anything, but V.P. Al Gore went to China and brought 32
suitcases with him. He had cloths in 2 of them, and the other 30 were
They showed the movie Jerry Maguire on Air Force Two. Al Gore was
overheard claiming credit for Cuba Gooding Jr's line Show me the Money.
The cast from Fargo has been reunited to make a movie about a murder in a
small park in the Washington DC, the working title is FOSTER.
The President was wondering if his recent injury as commander in chief
would qualify him for the lead in the American Patient? He believes that
he can get behind that movies family values message...
The Clinton Campaign in an attempt to explain just how it was that John
Huang gained access to the Whitehouse over 60 times in the past nine
months offered the following explanation: "Ya see, there were two John
Huangs, the one you know about and the other one worked with Al Gore on
the reinventing government plan".
Well, as far as I 'm concerned the old adage still holds: TWO HUANGS
DON'T MAKE IT RIGHT
In a recent excerpt from Bob Woodward's new book "The Choice", it was
reviled that First Lady Hillary Clinton talks to dead women like former
First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt, and asks her what she should do.
This is great, we have a First Lady who talks to dead women and asks them
what she should do, and we have a President who asks almost every live
women what can he do
President Bill Clinton announced sweeping changes in the Whitehouse
Security staff immediately.
He is replacing Craig Livingstone, the politically appointed head of the
Office of Personnel Security with McGruff the Crime Dog.
The Olympic Committee in Atlanta is asking the I.O.C. to reconsider the
Torch Run through Atlanta.
They still have a bad feeling from the last time a guy named Sherman ran
through the streets with a torch back in 1864.
PETA has come out as being opposed to fishing because it is cruel to the
They recently held a candle light vigil for the fish that were
killed in an aquarium at the Oklahoma Federal Building exploration.
President Clinton was caught up in the Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis auction
fever. Mr. Clinton purchased JFK's Little Black Book.
When asked for a
comment concerning the reason for the purchase of such a dated list of
women's numbers he replied "Hey, I bet they have some daughters"
A Montana lawmaker who met again with members of the anti-government
Freemen group has not disclosed what took place in the first face-to-face
contact in more than a week. The group has been subject to a news black
out for the past month.
However, it was revealed that the FBI did offer them some wonderful
imported British Beef and grape Kool-Aid.
MESCALERO, N.M. (AP) -- An Apache tribe and a consortium of utilities
said Thursday that they were dropping their five-year effort to store
radioactive fuel rods from the nation's nuclear power plants on tribal
The Mayor of a small Minnesota town mentioned that some local park lands
might be available ...
The Mad Cow disease that is rampant in England should cause no fear on
the part of Americans as we have not imported beef from there for several
There is however a cause for alarm should you come in to contact with the
French strain of the disease, called Rude Cow.
WASHINGTON - An overheated humidifier started a small fire at the White
House last weekend. The blaze was quickly extinguished. The Clintons
were not in the mansion. An electrician doing some maintenance work in
the mansion's third-floor family quarters extinguished the flames.
It seams all that shredded old legal papers in the family quarters acted
a kindling and burned like a scene from the movie Back Draft.
U.S. officials said the $100 million of aid for Israel promised by
President Clinton and to be approved by Congress will pay for advanced
bomb-detection scanners and sniffers, X-ray systems for people and
material, robotics for handling suspect packages, and advanced thermal
and radar sensors for detecting bombs.
The Israelis thought the robotics equipment was already delivered last
month, but closer examination revealed that it was Vice President Al Gore.
From Special contributor: GARY H.
Rumor has it that the WWF has contacted Joe "Light Fingers" Bertram &
Jeff "the Intimidator" Bertram for an upcoming event.
Their manager, Irv "Iron Hand" Anderson could not be reached for
From Special contributor: GARY H.
State Rep. Lourey exspressed concern that the bordering areas of No.
Dakota, Wi, and Canada's deer would be fed under the proposed $750,
000 feeding program.
Rep. Myron Orfield immediately proposed an amendment to ship feed to
the Iowa & So. Dakota borders so those deer would share equally.
Nordic Track was found guilty of misleading customers as to the potential
long term benefits of it's Nordic Track fitness equipment.
Now the company will tell people "You will use it for a while, then hang
your clothes on it and eventually sell it at a garage sale."
The Office of Surgeon General announced that warning labels will be
posted stating "Lack of physical activity could prove detrimental to your
health." They will be required on such items as running shoes and
President Clinton announced that he is in favor of this new policy, in
fact, he had that label put on the waist band of his boxers.
John DuPonts problems are getting worse by the day. It was revealed that
he twice drove his Lincoln Continental into the pond on his estate just
to see if he could get out.
He now faces charges of impersonating a United States Senator.
State Board: No More Penis Surgeries Until Hearing Is Held.
LOS ANGELES (AP) -- One of the nation's busiest practitioners of penis
augmentation surgery has agreed to stop doing the operations pending a
hearing on whether he may keep his doctor's license.
He should have the matter cleared up in time for Mr. Clinton's
appointment next January.
First lady Hillary Rodham Clinton will face questions from the Senate
Whitewater Committee about a late night phone call made following the death
of White House Counsel Vince Foster. The answers were to be in written form.
A spokesperson for the First Lady announced that she had complied with the
request, however socks, the Whitehouse cat, ate her paper.
This week the CIA confirmed that the U.S. used 'psychic' spies to gather
information on foreign countries.
In hopes of helping to balance the budget, President Clinton has made this
service available to the general public. Call 1-900-HELP BILL. The cost is
$2.99 per minute.
Senior U.S. officials converged on the Wright-Patterson military base in Ohio
today as reports circulated that the Balkan rival leaders sequestered there
for peace talks are close to making a deal to end their four-year war.
The talks came to a screeching halt yesterday when, as a result of the
Federal Government shut down, there were no mints on the pillows of the
There was another case of Whitehouse fence jumping reported Thursday.
It seems that Leon Panetta tried to get out.
U.S. Government Shutdown Possible
The government is a day closer to shutdown and default as Congress and the White House battle over the debt limit. Although Republicans in both houses are close to a final bill on extending the debt ceiling temporarily, the White House is threatening a veto.
President Clinton has proposed a stopgap measure that can raise funds for the government, he plans on having a garage sale. Items include: hammer's reduced from $400 to $99 and two for one on any office furniture from the soon to be eliminated commerce department.
NEW YORK, Nov 2 (Reuter) - The aphrodisiac the world has been searching for may be contained in a capsule of chicken egg extract, doctors announcing clinical trials of a treatment to boost sexual desire said on Thursday.
Dr Bjodne Eskeland, one of two researchers who developed the substance and tested it in Norway, told reporters the eggs are incubated for nine days.
They are then broken, the extracts are freeze-dried and made into a powder and put into capsules without other medicinal ingredients.
This research proves that eggs can raise more than just your cholesterol.
NEW YORK (Reuter) - The president of an investment banking company has been
charged with assaulting a flight attendant after being refused alcoholic
drinks and then defecating on a service cart in the first-class cabin.
Gerard Finneran, president of TCW Americas Development Inc., was arraigned
in federal court in Brooklyn Monday after the incident Friday on a United
Airlines flight from Buenos Aires, Argentina, to New York.
A United Airlines spokesperson said that as a result of this incident the
airline is reportedly considering changing there slogan "Something special in
NEW YORK (Reuter) - Actress Mary Tyler Moore says in her new autobiography that she tried to help her cancer-stricken brother commit suicide by feeding him ice cream laced with an overdose of drugs. Moore said she mashed many of the painkillers in ice cream and spoon-fed it to him.
She also announced that she will be opening a new Ice Cream franchise with controversial Dr. Jack Kevorkian called "Bennies and Jerry's".
OJ 's Hunt for the Truth
PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla
O.J. Simpson played a second round of golf Wednesday in the Florida resort town where the parents of his girlfriend live.
After two days of searching, O.J. announced that he has not found the killer at any of the 36 holes.
OJ 's Day of Golf
PANAMA CITY BEACH, Fla (Reuter) - In his first extended public outing since
his acquittal, O.J. Simpson played a round of golf Tuesday in the
hurricane-damaged Florida resort town where the parents of his girlfriend
live, the manager of the golf club said. ``We had a good day,'' Joe Inman,
one of Simpson's golf partners, told reporters. ``He got better and better as
he went around.''
Apparently OJ had a nagging problem with a reoccurring slice. He did
however, improve his approach shot, it must have been all the chipping in to
the sandbox at his home.
A Voice Mail Greeting
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric HotLine.
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2
- If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
- If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just
stay on the line so we can trace the call.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and the little voice will tell you
which number to press.
- If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one
O.J. Simpson, What I believe: New York Times interview
``I don't think most of America believes I did it,'' he said. ``I've gotten
thousands of letters and telegrams from people supporting me. I saw all those
people when I was driving home in that car, on the overpasses. I think about
five people reacted negatively. I saw two negative signs. Thousands of people
were giving me the thumbs-up sign..."
I think after 16 months of time alone in jail O.J.'s eyesight is going bad,
that single digit was not a thumb.
I hear O.J. Simpson is following the current trend among "celebrities" and
opening up a restaurant.
It's a Battered Chicken concept.
Simpson Police Conduct Probed
Attorney General Janet Reno says the Justice Department's Civil Rights unit
is investigating allegations of police misconduct raised at the O.J. Simpson
murder trial. At issue are alleged incidents described in tape recordings by
former Los Angeles detective Mark Fuhrman that were played at the trial. The
12 hours of tapes contained a string of racial epithets by Fuhrman.
When asked about other possible Civil Rights violations Ms. Reno said "Nicole
and Ron Who?"
Simpson Pay Per View
Sources close to O.J. Simpson indicate that he is considering a Pay-Per-View
event to tell his side of of the story.
My question is, how much is O.J. going to pay me to watch him?
Pope of New York
The Pope began his visit to America Wednesday landing at Newark international
Airport in New Jersey. After looking around from his airplane the Pope
walked down the stairway but decided not to kiss the ground.
Vice President Al Gore's 16 year old daughter was caught over the weekend
with an open bottle of beer while at a party. If found guilty, she could
face up to a $500.00 fine.
When she was asked for a comment she said "I never Sipped!"
New Breast Implants
Scientists announced a new method for breast implant surgery. The method
replaces the silicone implants with tissue cultured from the women's own
body. The cells are harvested and the tissue is then grown and used for the
This "Grow Your Own" method will be tested and judged at next years Minnesota
A French teenager went on a crime spree last week and shot members of his
family and then traveled to a nearby town and began shooting villagers at
The young man became despondent when he was told that he could never realize
his life's long dream of becoming a U.S. Postal worker.
President Clinton commented last week that the nation is in a "Funk" marking
the first time that the word Funk has been spoken by the leader of the
world's most powerful nation.
The President also said that he thought the nation might begin showing other
signs of trouble such as "The Munchies", "Thinking that your dog is talking
to you" and "That feeling like your hat is still on after you've taken it
CORONADO, Calif. (Reuter) - Orville Redenbacher, the grandfatherly figure
known to millions of Americans from television ads for his company's popcorn,
was found dead in his bathtub Tuesday morning, police said. He was 88.
He is survived by two daughters, 12 grandchildren , 10 great-grandchildren
AND ONE OLD-MAID.
This is when "THIG" took a short vacation.
And they say that there is no rest for the wicked !
ISLAND FALLS, Maine (Reuter)
The people of Island Falls, Maine got an unexpected seafood feast Wednesday
after a truck carrying $55,000 worth of lobsters crashed near this tiny town.
Crates of crustaceans were strewn over the ground when a driver lost control
of his rig while exiting a highway, police said.
It seems that a truck carring 10,000 gallons of melted butter had just rolled
over and the lobster truck could not avoid it in time.
According to the StarTribune Kevin Chandler was involved in a "Scuffle" with
his wife outside a St. Paul bar this past week.
It was also noted that the Bosnians and Serbs are still having a Tiff over
some real estate.
The City council of Minneapolis took action on the "Oggeling" problem. A
spokesperson for the Council said "The vote was close, but the Aye's have
My production company, Double Standard Studios, has just announced that we
have finished filming on "THE GARAGES OF GUMPTION COUNTY"
It's a story about a guy who is feeling neglected by his wife. She doesn't
bring him cigars or a beer any more. She spend time reading romance novels
and seeing women's movies. He feels neglected, alone in his garage when a
chance visit from the RIGID PIPE GIRL changes his life forever.....
The Minneapolis city hall issued a letter warning their pavers against
"Eyeing" women. To monitor this problem the referees from midnight
Basketball will be assigned to monitor for 3 second violations.
Up to 4,000 head of cattle may have died from heat stress in Iowa, Nebraska
and Kansas, livestock industry sources said. The cattle just dropped in the
field from the record heat.
One Iowa rancher tried to put a positive spin on the situation, he said "You
city folk are all alike, where do you think GROUND BEEF Comes from"
The city of Roseville this week proposed limiting the number of flags that a
local car dealership could display on their property. Council person Johnson
believed that the large number of flags was simply advertising and not a
The dealership, confident of a victory in this matter, has scheduled a
"NON-REGISTERED KEGGER" in celebration.
The 1000th person to leap off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco was
announced this week.
The jumper received a 5.5, 5.9, 5.6 and a disappointing
4.1 from the Soviet Judge.
In keeping with such changes in title as "Director of Player personnel", and
"Reader Customer Unit Manager" the StarTribune has changed the title of it's
delivery people to "Distribution facilitators of a replenishable, although
politically incorrect medium, providing subjective information on a daily
7-11-95 US Recognizes Vietnam
President Clinton established full diplomatic relations with Hanoi two
decades after the end of the Vietnam War. Clinton announced normalization
of relations between Washington and Hanoi and in doing so has scored another
This will be the first time anyone from his administration has gone
7-11-95 Yeltsin Hospitalized
Russian President Boris Yeltsin was hospitalized with a heart ailment in
Moscow Tuesday but a spokesman says initial tests show the Kremlin leader's
condition is not serious. The 64-year-old Russian president is suffering from
a condition marked by an obstructed supply of blood to the organ. But
official spokesmen for Yeltsin say he is well enough to continue his work
from his hospital room.
In a related announcement, the ministry of health said that Stalin's cold
took a turn for the worse.
A new fragrance for women has been introduced and they say it was
inspired by the book/movie "The Bridges of Madison of County" it's
called Bridges. The perfume is aiming for a specific market segment
because the ad copy reads..."Bridges, the perfect scent for an affair
with a randy National Geographic Photographer"
7-7-95 Item 2: USA TODAY, Friday, July 7, 1995, page 3A
The FDA approved the drug Caverject Sterile Power for treatment of male
impotence. This is the first goverment-Ok'd drug for that purpose. The
drug was developed by Upjohn.
(Honest Joe, I can't compete with reality sometimes.)
Optional follow up...
The Sterile Powder was originally tested in a pill form. The problem they
encountered was, if you swallowed it to slowly, you got a stiff neck.
The jury in the O.J. Simpson trial has some time to kill since they have a
three day weekend before the defense opens it's arguments on Monday.
Interestingly enough, O.J. has some time to kill again this weekend so to
USA TODAY, Friday, July 7, 1995, page 9A
MONTANA: Yellowstone National Park- Research geologist Rick Hutchinson says
2,300 mini earthquakes were recorded in the park over a five-day period.
Local officials were relieved when they was discovered that the park was the
site for the annual Rosanne Barr look alike convention that week.
Ps. Does NickBoy have a problem with people constantly putting a mirror up
to his mouth to see if he's breathing?
6-27-95 Actor Busted on Lewdness Charge
Hugh Grant, the British actor with the beguiling smile and sophisticated
demeanor, is charged with engaging in a lewd act with a prostitute. Los
Angeles police arrested them early this morning after spotting them in a
parked car. Grant allegedly picked up the woman on Hollywood's Sunset
Boulevard and both were arrested. Grant, who has a long-term relationship
with actress-model Elizabeth Hurley, was later released on his own
Grant became a box office commodity in "Four Weddings and a Funeral." He's
currently seen in the film "The Englishman Who Went Up a Hill and Came
Down a John."
6-21-95 Doctors Urge Pot Legalization
A commentary published in a respected medical journal urges the legalization
of marijuana for medical conditions ranging from glaucoma to migraine
headaches. The commentary says more is known about marijuana than about most
prescription drugs, it is remarkably safe, with no known case of lethal
overdose, and is far less addictive or subject to abuse than many legal
The only stipulation to the recomendation was that a gift certificitate for
Weight Watchers accompany the precription.
The State of Arkansas has improved its rating from 50th to 49th in the
overall rating of states as to their "Livability". Also announced today,
Arkansas has changed its State motto to "Thank God For Mississippi"
I was shopping in the toy store in Liberal Lakes last week. I saw the newest
toy on the market, it's the DIVORCED BARBIE. It comes with all of Ken's
Hollywood insiders revealed today that Tommy Lee Jones was not the studios
first choice for the character 'Two Face" in Batman Forever. They could not
come to agreement with their first choice as his duties as Commander and
Chief required a lot of travel.
6-19-95 Cure for Grumpy Old Men?
Researchers have found a way to make some grouchy men less so. Studies at
Harbor-UCLA Medical Center have found that testosterone replacement therapy
used to treat "hypogonadal" men -- men who do not produce enough of the
male sex hormone -- made the men less grouchy, nervous and irritable
A spokesman for the organization called Grumpy Old Nasty And Difficult
(GONAD) said "Sounds like these young punk Doctors have to much time on their
After this weeks address by President Clinton and his decision to present a
budget to The Congress, The American Meteorologist Society made Mr. Clinton a
certified meteorologist. Their rational was based on his innate ability to
sense the changing winds across America and adjust his long range outlook
In a related story, the Democratic National Committee announced today the
formation of a new cable channel called The Whether Channel. It will focus
on Mr. Clinton's position's on issues. For example; whether or not he should
send troops to Bosnia, or whether or not he should run again for President.
In light of last nights revelation that Lisa Marie and Michael Jackson do
sleep together and engage in "marital relations" it was announced today that
they will be changing the name of the "Neverland" ranch to the "YES, YES,
YES LAND" ranch?
After watching last nights interview and not seeing Elvis storm the stage,
grab Lisa Marie buy the hand and take her away we can finally announce with
confidence that Elvis is really dead.
Spicy and Blackie, two St. Paul dogs, were acquitted and escaped the death
penalty Thursday for their alleged involvement in the death of a local cat
named Scruff. Attorney for the dogs, Mr. Scooby Shapiro, said that his
clients had an air tight alibi, "At the time of the unfortunate incident, the
dogs were at their dog house, in the front yard practicing their golf swing."
WASHINGTON (Reuter) - The Senate Ethics Committee found last Wednesday there
was substantial evidence that Sen. Bob Packwood may have engaged in sexual
misconduct on 18 separate occasions. The incidents include allegations that
Packwood kissed, fondled or grabbed women without their consent in
Washington, D.C., and Oregon between 1969 and 1990.
"The act of impersonating a Kennedy is not going to be tolerated and
punishment will be swift and severe." Said the Ethics Committee Chair.
A new charity established in Garage Logic, MN. It is called "Habitat for
Masculinity". This charity builds garages for men who don't have a garage of
their own. We are hoping to have former President George Bush help in this
A radio ad for the show. (Quick paced, smarmy radio announcer voice)
"Attention Minnesota residents!
The State of Minnesota announces a Starving Artist Emergency Liquidation Art
Sale! These first quality, state owned works of art are available now at
starving artists prices. No work of art over $50,000.00.
The sale runs Monday through Friday, from 9 to 5, at the following
- The State Revenue Building
- The Transportation Building
- The Capital
- The Public Service Building
- Metro Square
- The State Administration Building
- And All State Run Prisons
Visa, Mastercard and Purchase Orders Accepted.
The State of Minnesota bringing inspiring art to the workers (and prisoners)
for nearly 20 years. "
LOS ANGELES (Reuter) - In the most powerful evidence yet presented against
O.J. Simpson, an expert testified that the odds that blood found at the scene
of his wife's murder could have come from anyone but Simpson were about one
in 170 million. In a related story, the State announced Thursday that the population of California grew by about 392,000 in 1994 and now totals over 32
Defense attorneys for Simpson immediately demanded a recount.
A definition of "Minnesota Nice"
Telling the thug who carjacks you "...Ya gotta pump the gas peddle a couple
of times when she's cold"
Concerning the issue of security at the Whitehouse, President Clinton last
month said he hoped officials would find a way to secure the property without
closing the street. ''Millions of Americans go by Pennsylvania Avenue every
year and see the White House and the overwhelming majority of them are
law-abiding, good American citizens,''
"Besides, It's a BABE FEST in the summer."
This ad recently appeared in the Liberal Lakes Daily Newspaper "Das Rag"
The qualified applicant will have a High School degree, experience in Dance
and Swahili a plus. This waitress/waiter position pays $4.35 plus tips.
Secretary of Labor Robert Reich announced that there is a crisis in the
availability of day care for the small children of workers in America. The
report was based on first hand, under cover research conducted by both Reich
and Donna Shalala in day care centers in the Washington, DC area.
Defense attorney Johnny Cochran told Judge Ito that one of the alternate
jurors, a black female postal worker, did not appear to be paying attention
to the proceedings. He said the juror was ``just looking straight ahead and
hasn't taken any notes all day and (looks) preoccupied.''
Judge Ito informed Mr. Cochran that he obviously has not been to many post
offices, and that her behavior was nothing to be concerned about.
In a sad turn of events Thursday while all the girls were participating in
"Take your daughter to work day" The following occurred at school:
- Elections were held and all the boys won.
- Recruiters from colleges came in and all the scholarships were awarded to
- Everyone in attendance was promoted one full grade.
- Lunch was pizza (no salad bar)
- They had a card game all afternoon
Michael Jordan was was not confirmed as Commissioner of the Department of
Public Safety. A Senate spokesman indicated that " The guy can't hit a curve
and really should go back to what he knows best." He then apologized for the
misunderstanding sighting that he did not read the summary prepared by his
staff on the nomination.
Vice President Al Gore was mistakenly pruned and sprayed by grounds keepers
while visiting the Whitehouse last week. The surprised grounds keeper was
quoted (USE CARL VOICE FROM CADDYSHACK) "I was shocked when he started to
move, He was still for so long, I thought it was a tree"
Television reporters eager to give us their views of the Oklahoma tragedy
have shown us just what sacrifices they have made for their viewers. One
reporter actually went on the air with out make-up. Peter Jennings was so
eager to tell us what was going on that he could not tie his tie and Connie
Chung was so eager to get on the air that she went on with out anything of
importance to say.